I don't know

My afinity for what is right or wrong was in a wrong place as far as someone could say.
I was able to do things that might seem somewhat inhuman but to me it was normal. Being able to shut dow anything that might resemble of a feeling was just a process.
As i was looking in the eyes of what apears to be my weakness i was asking myself what am i doing here? I just followed the scent and let my self go. I was in sitution some years ago and the outcome was not in my favor. I think i am living in a circle where is a women don't give problems then i don't seem to want her. I am thinking that the last women that changes me was about 12 years ago amd it did not end up that good, for me.  Becoming someone that i don't like just to please empty people was a mistake i told myself i would not do again. But why am i here again?  Was intrying to prove myself that i am still alive? If that was the case i would say to myself: step aside, i'm coming down from the ledge and i am taking a shorcut.
I feel like a barier was growing between us, some incisible force was pushing us away, but why? I tried to do the right thing, i even smiled. Why is this happening? Why am i not enjoying the moment that we have? Why do i have to be in this weird place? I guess people are strange when you're a stranger but i don't care about the strangers, i care about what brought me here...but i don't know what to say or how to say. We are not on the same plane of existence, we are different as zero is different to 1.
All this feelings inside of me are confusing me, i don't know how to react. What if i say something wrong? I don't want to upset the balance.